I get sentimental at Christmas …

One of my favorite moments in December is the annual trip to visit Santa. This most magical of times includes getting up early, donning festive Christmas attire, and stopping at Starbucks before the meet and greet with the big guy. In most cases, we were his first visit of the day. Inspired and more than a little emotional afterward, I’d follow-up the visit with an annual Christmas email and attach the picture. I have many photographs and fond memories of this annual outing.

An outing which — after 18 years — has officially run its course.

It was a good run. After originally terminating his attendance in 7th grade, my son Jarod re-upped, joining my daughter Paige and me these past three years. Not sure if his return was due to the fact that he knew how much this visit meant to me or that I bought him Starbucks when he came along. At any rate,  both my kids honored this tradition.  But this year, Jarod is away at college. And Paige, now in 7th Grade, finds the idea of a photo with Santa “embarrassing.”

I knew this was coming.

Endings and changes at Christmas seem harder than other times of the year. Why is that? Emotions are heightened. I get sentimental. Okay, I get emotional. My moods run the spectrum. The marketing hype says its “the most wonderful time of the year” but let’s be real here. December is also a dark month filled with hectic hours, sleepless nights and too much to do. Loneliness and a sense of disconnect are more profound than that elusive Christmas Spirit I hear so much about.

And the Ghost of Christmas Past haunts my memories.

Once upon a time in 7th grade, I actually played the Ghost of Christmas Past at TJ Junior High — a role I’m excited to say my daughter will take on in her 7th Grade ELA class this year!

Oops. I digress …

Anyway,. I wore all white (along with a little red riding hood cape from an old Halloween costume of mine) and a sprig of holly on my silver-sprayed hair. My job in the play was to remind Ebeneezer Scrooge of days gone by that had shaped him into the man he had become.  To remind him not so gently about memories he had packed away into his mind palace and stored out of sight in a dusty attic. To show him shadows of times past. See Scrooge was met not only with painful memories but with joyful ones too — memories of the love of his sister, falling love in Belle, and of a kick butt Christmas party at Fezziwig’s place.

But he shut those out allowing loss and darker memories to hold sway over him and eventually turn him bitter and shut him off from humankind.

At this “festive” time of the year, Ghosts abound, bringing memories of Christmases past and people, places, celebrations and traditions of times gone by. Some we recall fondly. Some — along with the people that helped handcraft them — are lost to time and distance. Some self-destructed with a wrecking ball.  But these situations, people and memories shaped us, changed us and they continue to affect us. Yet, like Ebeneezer Scrooge, it’s very easy during the dark hours of this month to focus on the difficult times … to lose sight of the party at Fezziwigs and dwell instead on struggles, disappointments, losses, and feelings of loneliness.

The Ghost of Christmas Past haunts me in December. The light she shines into the dark meager corners of my own life creates movie-like vignettes of holidays past and people I shared them with. Like Scrooge, these shadows recall to my mind elegant moments of great joy as well as ones tinged — or drenched — with sadness. The past shaped me into the woman I am today, sparkles and scars. And with all the cold and darkness of December, it can be too much at times.

Sometimes, like Scrooge, I choose to disconnect. Time alone is necessary for me. I’m wired that way. I need a Silent Night. Other times, I need people … friends to laugh with and share joy … friends to remind me that I’m not alone, that they care, that I have value and bring something into their lives too. In fact, this year, a friend had planned a Girls Night event that I almost missed. By choice, I have to admit. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be around people. My moods have been so erratic. Retreating and avoiding seemed like the best course.

Perhaps it was the text she sent … perhaps it was the one from my friend Cheryl. Anyway, I went, luckily. And what a great Fezziwig memory that will be for the Ghost to bring along in future years … Salted Caramel Martini, fizzy pink champagne and lots of laughter. Of course, I’m still ticked at Angie for stealing my ornament … but wait, Cheryl stole from me first. Anyway, it’s not always easy to predict what moments will truly raise you up until you allow others to reach out and draw you in.

But there are days during this most fricking wonderful time of the year that sometimes just suck. The Ghost sheds light on memories that stir up emotions and the next moment I’m crying over a bunch of peanut butter blossom batter because I miss my kid and then I’m blubbering at church when they play It Came Upon a Midnight Clear which always makes me miss my Granddaddy Carmichael who sang it better than anyone I know.

The Ghost of Christmas Past dredges up emotion. And I’m volatile and passionate, so I have highs and lows every December. But … I honor my nostalgic sentimentality. So when I wake up repeatedly at 5:10 a.m. and can’t go back to sleep, or difficult vignettes arise to replay their scenes in my head and I get lonely, I let go of the ones that no longer serve me. I get up and play with my cat under the tree, enjoying silence and sparkly white lights against morning darkness. I play music that brings me joy or turn to a photo of my niece singing which fills me with delight. Then, I gently think about people who’ve touched my heart and life — no matter if they are gone away. And I vow to connect with those who truly matter in days to come.

The Ghost of Christmas Past will always remind me of the many trips to see Santa … of baking with Jarod and singing with Granddaddy. Of laughter with friends and decorating the tree with my family. Of a skating outing to Campus Martius. Of parties, concerts, caroling around the piano and everything that gives Christmas meaning. Nothing can take those memories from me. And, when it comes to other difficult moments from my past, I can choose to look at the scenes with compassion and kindness. Then, I can let go of bitterness to embrace the Hope that Christmas Present is offering, make time to spend with a friend, and release painful moments, regrets, faded dreams and old wishes.

Ebeneezer Scrooge allowed his past to create bitterness in his heart. And that bitterness disconnected him with his fellow man. There’s a lot going on in December. And it’s very easy to follow his path.

Don’t. Reach out and connect … There’s always a glass of wine — or cup of coffee — and a fresh batch of cookies at my house if you need a safe haven.

But if you need a peaceful, silent night instead, choose to remember Fezziwig’s party over all the Drama from your past.

It was a damn good time.

God Bless Us, Every One.

                                                                                                                    — Jenni