Author: Jenni's Corner

I have Glitter in My Veins. Finding my voice. Choosing to be passionate or be dead. Allowing myself to be my wild, courageous, authentic self every single day.

Keep Your Eyes on Your Own Mat … aka Bloom Where YOU’RE Planted

On By Jenni's CornerIn MusingsLeave a comment

I started a new job in August. Instead of a quick 3-minute commute, I have a longer drive, typically on the freeway. And, periodically, there are accidents or stalled cars or any number of random problems at the side of the road which cause slow downs.

As I pump the pedals, I feel that urge myself … the urge to glance over and check out what’s at the side of the road. It’s called rubber-necking and the fallout impacts everyone on the road, whether they look or not. The temptation is always to look … to check out what happened or see for yourself what makes this particular situation fascinating enough to slow down so many busy commuters.

In yoga class the other night, we were reminded to keep our eyes focused on our own mat — that glancing around and comparing our pose to that of our neighbors didn’t serve us. It wouldn’t make our poses any better, and it would distract us from our own work.

This gentle reminder made me think, as I am want to do, about how that applied off the mat. I found myself wondering why we spend so much time rubber-necking, looking at others and comparing our poses — or lives — to theirs. Seeking to find out what’s going on at the side of the road. What is it we hope to find? What is it we hope to gain?

I once took a yoga class where there were only two of us. Afterward, our teacher Marty mentioned how reluctant he was to lead a class with only two students … how in past experience such a session led to competition. I was stunned. It never occurred to me to compare what we were doing. The time I spend on my mat is about me, my work, my mindfulness, my focus and my spiritual and physical growth. Why would I use that hour to compete with someone else?

But, if I’m truly honest, I do it elsewhere. Most of us have areas where we’re competitive. Where we want applause or recognition or likes and comments or the feeling that we’re superior or special.  Perhaps, deep inside, we are all a little bit like Sally Field in her notable 1984 Oscar speech when she declared: “You like me. You really like me.” We too want to be liked. Noticed. Valued. Sought After. Appreciated. Desired and Admired.

Take Social Media for example. We post something on Facebook … why do we do that? We type something from the privacy of our own computers or phones or tablets for the world to see, like and comment on. We say something because it pops in our mind and we want to share it. And … to be noticed. We place a photo or a saying or a link on our “Home Page” so it is seen by others. And depending how many friends you have, it can be seen by a helluva lot of people.

Then, in so many cases, we sit back and wait for comments and likes and hearts and emojis to pop up.

Question: Once you’ve posted whatever it is you want to say, do you look at those comments, likes, hearts and emojis? How often do you check back? Do you wonder how many people liked your post? How many new followers discovered what you had to say?

Are you curious why some people liked it or commented on it, while others didn’t?

Do you look at posts by others and see all those likes, comments etc. and wonder why they attracted all those “friends” while your post didn’t?

That brings me back to why we post on Facebook or Instagram or Twitter to begin with. Is it simply to share a quick quip or photo with friends and family far and wide, or are we actively seeking to connect and communicate across the wires? Are we looking for love — or likes — to support our often lonely selves? And does this spur feelings of competition and isolation when our words, thoughts, ideas and photos don’t receive that sense of value from those in the virtual word who we call “friends” and “followers”?

The flowers in a garden — the roses on a large rose bush — do not look at each other and compare their blooms.

The stars in the heavens do not gaze at each other and say … hey, she’s shining brighter than me!

So why, in a world where a “cursor” that flashes annoyingly on a white screen, do we feel the need to seek likes and hearts on a “social” media site?

I’m guilty. I have posted blogs and quips and checked back to see my stats. I have a certain number of followers of The Corner. And there are times that I wonder why I don’t have more — why so-and-so doesn’t follow me or comment or like my witty repartee. Why does so-and-so comment on another post and not mine? Why don’t my stats go up, even though I have all these so-called blog followers?

It’s not pretty. But I’m being honest here. It’s something I’ve done. And I don’t like it.

So this year, I’ve refocused my efforts to simply to Bloom where I’m planted. To post my thoughts, quips, blogs, photos and not look back. To not scroll through other social media posts and wonder why I don’t have the Friends or Likes that another person has. Comparing myself to the other Rose out there, doesn’t make me Bloom brighter, bigger or better. No, just the opposite. It usually makes me feel inadequate, uninteresting, and dull.

Mary, Mary quite contrary … how does your garden grow? With Silver Bells and Cockle Shells and Pretty Maids all in a row. – Mother Goose

Nowhere in that nursery rhyme is it suggested that the Silver Bells, Cockle Shells and Pretty Maids are in competition. Nowhere does it indicate one is prettier than the others or that Mary has any desire for that to be the case.

There’s freedom and joy when I simply Bloom where I’m planted and find satisfaction in what I’ve offered — letting go of the rest. When I post something — a blog or a status update or a photo — it’s simply something I want to share. It’s something I want to say or offer for others to take or leave. So what if only a few people discover or read it. I’ve said it. I’ve written it. I’ve put myself and my ideas out there.

Of course, maybe it’s just me who has longings for approval, comments, friends/followers and likes. Maybe it’s simply my own insecurity.  But, I’m discovering at 50+ that I really truly don’t care if I’m the biggest, boldest bloom in the garden. I just want to Bloom.

I’ve figured out how to do this on my yoga mat. Guess that’s why I selected the word Bloom for 2019. I need to reclaim focus on my own path, words and growth and stop glancing around at others.

If the drivers on the freeway figured that out, I could get to where I’m going a lot faster.

                                                                                                – Jenni 

 

#Bloom and Grow in 2019

On By Jenni's CornerIn MusingsLeave a comment

To me, the beginning of a new year is like a blank sheet of paper … a page in a new journal where —  with the help of my pokey #2 pencil or blue Uniball pen — I will write my thoughts and begin my story.

But how to write it … how to begin that first paragraph … it’s messy. So I have a trick to help me. For as long as I can remember, I’ve incorporated themes into my writing — gimicks that help me frame a message.

Inspired by a dear friend a few years ago, I began to do something similar to shape my personal direction at the beginning of a new year — to help me begin writing on that New Years’ Day blank page. I’ve chosen a Word to guide my year and to focus on, kind of like an intention during a yoga class that sees you thru the challenging poses — and steadies you thru the flow.  Two years ago it was Hope. Last year, I chose Kindness.

To commemorate these choices, I wore a Mudlove bracelet on my wrist — a daily reminder of my intention. It’s not a loose-fitting bracelet. And neither Hope nor Kindness were  loose-fitting choices.

As I thought about what I wanted for 2019, several words and intentions came to mind. 2018 was a transitional year for me.  After 8 years, I made a job change. Not only a job change, but truly a career adjustment from a part-time position to a fast-paced full-time event planning position in downtown Detroit. My simple 5-minute commute changed to a not so easy “20 minute drive” — heavily influenced by traffic and weather.  In the meantime — well, at the same time I started my new job — I also ventured outside my normal “theatre world” into a new group, memorizing oodles of lines and performing a comedic role in a completely new environment for me. I’m beginning a new dramatic role this month which will challenge me once again. I started new knitting projects, tried out different authors and books, read non-fiction!, expanded my exercise regime and even ventured into the streaming world of Apple Music! I spent less time on “social media” and more time actually socializing with the people important to me.

2018 helped me figure out who I truly was — and who I truly want to be. And to be me.  It helped me set boundaries and examine what I wanted my life to be — and who I wanted to share it with. It forced me to examine what I wanted and needed … and to ask for or seek it.  I found the courage to open the door and walk into the unknown. To turn to the light and to be kinder to myself.  To remember who I am … and to accept that is enough. In 2018, I put aside situations and people that didn’t serve me.  And I also learned that love is not a finite item … that we have more than enough to share and that this world desperately needs more of it.

I planted a seed in 2018. But it was struggling. It needed more light … a different window ledge. The seed took a while to take root. And I wasn’t always patient with that gentle seed. So I changed the dirt. I added some additional nutrients and provided lots of water. I took the delicate roots and relocated them to a different pot. And now, only hours after the completion of my first significant event planned at my new job and one day into 2019, I’m beginning to truly see that seed grow … to Bloom.

Yes, my word for 2019 is Bloom.

When a flower doesn’t Bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows. Not the flower. (Alexander den Heijer). For a long time though, I was pretty sure there was something wrong with the flower. It didn’t grow. It didn’t Bloom.

But flowers — like people — must be tended. Petals are stronger than you think but they require love, light and caring to grow. You can’t bury a seed in the ground, leave it to its own devices and expect it to become a beautiful rose bush. No. Growing the most beautiful of flowers takes time and effort. And that rose requires Dirt and Rain and Storms as well as Sunshine.

I’m that flower. And I’m the gardener too. It takes effort to Bloom … and to help people, relationships, careers, families, friendships and talents Bloom. You have to Be Present. You have to make an effort. And you have to be patient, loving, nurturing and careful. You have to weed the garden. You have to look toward the light and dance in the rain.

Oh, and one more thing I’ve learned …

itjustblooms

But maybe that’s another blog for another time.

So, the word is Bloom. Now to get to work making the garden grow …

— Jenni

Fear Not! Everything I need to know I learned in yoga

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Friday night was the Winter Solstice, otherwise known as The Longest Night. As I sat up late into the evening staring out the window — unable to sleep — thoughts, worries, lists and projects raced around my head faster than an Indy car on Race Day.

I’ve been waking up early. 4:30am to be exact. My cat loves it … the extra time with me seems to be high on her list in the early morning darkness. The last couple days, when I might have slept, she leapt from the bed and meow-ed with vigor. Saturday morning, I ignored her though. It had taken me a while to nod off. And I slept til a record-breaking 7:23am.

As I sat up Solstice night, gazing out my living room window. I thought of the Christmas Story … you know, the one from Luke about Mary, Joseph and the Baby. And the Shepherds. They too were up late into the night. They too could not rest. They too had a lot on their mind, all those crazy sheep blurting and meandering about, needing to be watched and guided all the time.

They were tired. They couldn’t sleep. And I bet they were pretty anxious too.

This time of year always heightens my anxiety. So much to do. So many plans and things I want to do, along with the stuff that has to get done. My new job is amazing, but brings an intensity that I’m still learning to balance. I remain calm all day long, only to come home with projects and steps left undone to taunt me. And then there’s all the normal stuff that needs to be done, and the Holiday stuff, and the people and relationships that fill my mind with words unspoken and limited time to be with them despite my best attempts and wishes.

Yep, I have one Michael Andretti car mind!

I don’t do therapy to help me manage my anxiety. I have … and I absolutely endorse finding support and help when you’re struggling. There’s no shame in reaching out — no stigma attached to therapy. But me, I’ve found another source of strength to help … to guide me down from the ledge.

It’s yoga.

In that spirit, I dedicate this post to those instructors — my yogi-therapists — who have provided me with so many valuable tools to get through the longest nights … Much love and gratitude to Brittney, Sarah, Matt, Rob, Emily, Becky and most of all Suzanne and Marty.

Do you remember that Robert Fulgrum book: Everything I need to know I learned in Kindergarten? Well, as I rolled up my mat after a MUCH needed yoga session Saturday morning, I realized the same principles applied.

Let me pontificate a bit … 😉

  1. Offer your best and let go of the rest.
  2. No matter how hard the pose is, the difficult moment will end. Really.
  3. And, that difficult moment IS really only a moment. I know it seems like forever in the middle of the night when worries dance around your head like sugarplums or when you’re trying to make it thru chair pose and your legs are shaking so hard you don’t know how you can hold it one more second. Yes, it seems like an eternity. But, that really hard pose — that really difficult “whatever” that is making you anxious — lasts only a moment.
  4. Be yourself. Do your yoga. No one is looking at you and comparing their half moon pose to yours. Seriously, they are just trying to hold the balance themselves!
  5. Child’s pose is always an option. Retreat. Restore. No one will judge you for that. A yoga mat is 24″ x 68″. It’s your Shelter. What you do there is about you and no one else.
  6. Breathe …. that’s really what yoga is about. No matter what comes your way … what pose is thrown at you or what challenge you encounter or what difficulty sends your spirit reeling. Just Breathe.
  7. Balance is difficult. Balancing is really frickin’ hard. On the mat. Off the mat.
  8. Accept yourself and what you offer. You are the best you. Release judgement and celebrate your amazing-ness.
  9. Be present.
  10. Close your eyes. Release. Let it go. Yes, you can.
  11. Choose your mantra — your focal message. Focus on it during the easy poses. Focus on it during the hard ones.
  12. Shaking in a pose is really just your body requesting strength.
  13. If it hurts … if it causes you to lose it, don’t do the pose. Getting upset because of a yoga pose is not worth it.
  14. You never really know what’s coming next. Each class — each hour, day, week etc brings the unknown. You may think you know what’s next in the flow … but you really can’t predict it. All you can do is Breathe and take one pose at a time.
  15. Know your truth. Honor who you are. It really is enough.
  16. You aren’t alone. The room is surrounded by people and a supportive energy. Accept its help when you need it. Offer your energy and help to others … they just might need it too.
  17. The real yoga begins when you walk out the door.

Tonight is a full moon. The night after the Solstice. I grounded myself today in yoga. I’m in a good place. But tonight, my sleep may still be is disrupted. The unexpected might hit me. And in the darkness of the night, my mind will bring a forest of dragons.

But tomorrow there is will be yoga. Last night, I went down to do some yoga on my living room floor. And I discovered my son was up too … he couldn’t sleep either. We offered each other a Hug of support and a smile. Whatever kept us up, well, it would pass. Eventually.

The Shepherds weren’t alone either that night outside Bethlehem. The sky filled with Angels … angels who had been there for them all their lives but chose to reveal themselves and their message that first Christmas Eve.

“Fear Not! For behold, I bring you tidings of great joy which will be to all the people …”  Luke 2: 10 (Note the Angels didn’t’ say “some” people or a specific people but ALL people.)

So,  I go to yoga. And I remember all I really have to do is Breathe. I don’t know what’s coming next. Just when I settle in to a pose — I LOVE Triangle — half moon, airplane, majorette and those balancing challenges come at me. My legs are shaking and I’m trying to remain calm. I wobble. I fall. But I can be brave … like the Shepherds. I can remember that even on the darkest night, Hope is vibrant and real. 15622378_10154940299278746_5524850999491036628_n

And I find calm. Or, rather, I choose calm. I’ve offered my best. Whether it’s good enough for someone else or this crazy world is sort of irrelevant. I can only be who I am.

So, maybe  I should say … All I really needed to know I learned in Yoga … and the Bible.

Namaste … and Merry Christmas.

                                                                                                                              Jenni

We Three Things

On By Jenni's CornerIn Musings1 Comment

It’s December 1st. The day the Christmas Season begins for me — has always begun for my family.

When I was a child, my parents would put on the Ray Conniff Christmas Album, playing Jingle Bells at full volume to wake us with the message of “Happy December 1st.” This tradition has continued all my life, with my brother calling me as early as 5:30am to play this cheerful tune and wish me good tidings.

This year, my sister-in-law Marcy wins the prize, sending a YouTube version via email at 12:01am.

If I’m honest, in recent years this “most wonderful time of year” has stressed me out, spiking my anxiety and disrupting my sleep. Decorating is fun but leaves my space feeling cluttered. Purchasing the perfect, thoughtful gift means rushing around town in traffic or spending hours “plugged in” and scrolling websites. Baking means I need to workout a little bit more — and find the time to do that.

Last year to combat the Anxiety, I added a day that included ice skating to my schedule. Just 45 minutes on the ice (check out that blog!), with only the sound of my skates cutting the surface, did wonders for my mood. I had the rink to myself. It was lovely and peaceful. But this year, a full-time job (which I truly love) removes my free day from the equation.

So here it is again. And once again, I have a list … I make one and check items off as they are accomplished every year. Lots of things to do. I can feel the Anxiety dancing around me like a haze. But along the way to December 25, I don’t want to lose sight of the glorious truth of the season … a season of miracles, music, sparkly tinsel and lights, and the love of a Father sending his son to earth in a very simple way.

Yesterday, during my morning reflections and Bible study, I ran across a verse I don’t recall impacting me as it did when I read it against the morning darkness, with only my early riser cat for company.

“Offer to God thanksgiving and pay your vows to the Most High. Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you and you shall glorify Me”. Psalms 50  vs 14-15

This stuck with me. I wanted to write at that moment. But other responsibilities were calling. So, here it is December 1st, I’ve awakened the family with “Jingle Bells,” and Lindsey Sterling’s new Christmas Album “Warmer in the Winter” is playing on my Rose Gold Blue Tooth speaker.

What stuck with me with that verse? The message of what God wants from us … Thanksgiving. He wants us to be thankful for not only our access to him and all he offers but to each and every thing that graces our lives. To Celebrate the Simple Gifts and the Fancy ones. To honor his role in our lives with gratitude.

Remember the Three Wise Men from the Nativity story? They brought Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh to the Baby Jesus and his family. What if we did that every day? I’m not talking about gold or essential oils. I’m talking about offering up gifts of gratitude.

Thus inspired, I decided that I would model those Three Wise Men. I pulled out one of my Nothing Books, aka an empty journal, and listed Three Things that I’m grateful for. It’s amazing what beginning your day in the darkness with the light of gratitude can do for your spirit, your mood and your heart. I lit a candle — a three-wick candle — and celebrated my gratitude for three things to begin my morning and set me on the right path for my day.

Why don’t you join me this December? I invite you to write down Three Things every day that you are grateful for. If you get caught up in the “Greatest Time of Year” drama, anxiety, stress or blues, glance at that growing list … remember to be thankful for what the Lord brings into your life, not angry about the drama that he doesn’t make go away. Remember that he doesn’t leave us to walk alone through anything … the light or the darkness, the hills or the valleys. Remember that he sends us Shepherds to help us find our way, other sheep to hang out with, and a Star to shine light on us every day.

We Three Things … what are they for you today? I’ve made my list this morning and the sky is still very dark. But I see Light.

What about you?

                                                                                                       — Jenni

P.S. If you’d like me to add you to the Ray Conniff “Jingle Bells” wake up on December 1st, let me know 🙂

 

Road Closed To Thru Traffic

On By Jenni's CornerIn MusingsLeave a comment

The other day I was on my way to meet a friend. As I was in unfamiliar territory, I had asked Google Maps to guide me to my end location. I love that … just plug in my iPhone, push a button on the steering wheel of my Ford Escape, speak a few words and Hugh — my Siri app is Australian — directs me to my desired location.

On the way, though, I came across orange barriers with Road Closed To Thru Traffic in bold lettering.

Now, Hugh hadn’t suggested another route, which he usually does if there is construction. And, since I was following his lead and I couldn’t see any actual issues barring my forward momentum, I proceeded to the route.

New pavement greeted me. But no other sign that I should change my direction.

Another barrier soon rose before me. Another closure sign. I was beginning to feel like I was on the old Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride from WDW’s Magic Kingdom. Like Mr. Toad, I decided to keep moving forward. Nothing dangerous lurked ahead. I saw no sign of construction workers or trucks. Just smooth black asphalt,  newly paved and ready to support vehicles bold enough to go where no car had gone before.

I made it through the “closure” to my destination and my friend without any complication, other than those signs.

I’ve taken that route one more time since then. Same signs. Same situation. And it made me pause and consider.

On our journey, we come across potholes and construction, re-routing and delays, road closures, orange cones and unexpected issues on the route we choose to take. We slow down. We accelerate. And, we check the signs as we go, choosing to continue or turn to a different path. We have choices, so we weigh the pros and cons as we meet them, doing the best we can with the information, feelings and experience we currently have. But, when we see those orange posts and boldfaced signs, we have to decide if proceeding to the route is the way to go or if we should turn away and find a safer street.

At 52, I’ve tried both, I can’t deny it. Proceeding thru the bumps, twisty dirty roads and potholes has taught me a great deal, though there are times I would have preferred a smoother, more direct route. I have a curious, adventurous spirit that questions and explores paths others might avoid or circumvent. But, this aspect of my nature has helped me grow, learn, and make amazing memories that I could have missed, had I turned from the route.

I’m not sure where my Google Maps app is leading me at times. Are any of us? But I know that I have experienced great joy, much laughter and great pleasure down the Rabbit Hole in Wonderland. And, as Marilyn Monroe once said “Never regret anything, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted.” 

nothing-lasts-forever-so-live-it-up-drink-it-down-5028070

Will I take that route again, knowing there are barriers and challenges that will meet me if I do? I don’t know. Maybe. If at the end I find something worth the trip or if during the drive I make discoveries I might have missed otherwise, is it worth the risk? Maybe.

Google Maps can provide the steps to get me from A to Z. Google Maps can reroute me if I choose to turn off the street or turn away from the path. I can always speak in a new destination, after all. Or turn it off and drive.

But these days, Construction and Road Closures seem to be an all year kind of thing. So you have to pay attention, take care of yourself and choose wisely as you drive.

I don’t know what’s on the route ahead for me. Does anyone, really? I’m driving new roads these days. Seeing and experiencing things I’ve never encountered before and facing new challenges as well as new exciting opportunities. Change is part of life. Is it scary? Yes, if I’m honest. A little.

See, I don’t know what’s on the road before me. I’m a passionate, curious person … I choose to live out loud and grab life with both hands, diving in where the less bold might not go. That doesn’t always make for the smoothest trip. Plus, unlike Google Maps, I can’t predict what the next street will be. But, if what I’m moving toward is important to me, well, I guess I’ll just have to watch the road, read the signs along the way and decide how to proceed.

Or as dear Alice from Wonderland says … “Begin at the beginning and go on until you come to the end, then stop.”

                                                                                                                         — Jenni

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Fiction Aisle

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We all have them. That place we go to feel safe or when we don’t know where else to go. That place that offers comfort on good days and bad ones. That place where we find ourselves perhaps without even thinking much about it. That place we drive to and enter its doors, as familiar and easily as though we are coming home. That place that soothes or excites our restless spirit. That place we go to when we are seeking … something.

For me, it’s the Barnes & Noble bookstore.

Oh, I like the beach as much as the next guy … feeling the sand between my toes and  gazing out at the water is glorious. But, I don’t have a beach nearby. Or forests or mountains. But, I do have a bookstore.

I actually had one in my own town, but well, that’s a long story and we won’t open up those wounds.

When I don’t know where else to go, I find myself driving to Barnes & Noble. There’s something about the feel of a book, the smell of a bookstore, and the aisles and aisles of stories waiting to be opened that beckon to me. I raised my kids there. In fact, one day when we were all sitting in the cafe enjoying some snacks, a gentleman who had seen us there a few times asked if I home schooled my kids.

As if!?!

Anyway … I still venture there with my kids. I think they feel very similar to what I feel about that place. We split up, after a stop at the cafe for treats, like oil and water, venturing down aisles we each enjoy and eventually settling into a chair with a book or a magazine that speaks to us. And we’re not alone. The bookstore is always busy.

I have special memories there. Too many to list. Many that include my kids. Others that feature blurred memories of times shared and moments past that can still bring a smile to my face.

See, I have friends there … friends who I know intimately … friends whose thoughts are open to me, not a mystery. I have met them over the years and even revisited them in many cases. Some have had great film careers. Others exist purely in my imagination, uninfluenced by the designs or direction of another mind.

I met Mr. Darcy in high school, and I shall be ever grateful to Judy Lebryk for providing that introduction. Lizzy Bennett and I found ourselves frustrated by and drawn to him. Long before Colin Firth donned a white puffy shirt and dove into a lake on the Pemberly Estate, I had found Mr. Darcy an enigma I enjoyed unraveling.

Heathcliff, that dark and dangerous cur and romantic brooder, fascinated me. Like Catherine, I roamed the moors by his side. His damaged nature drew me to him, seeking to understand and shed light on all that I didn’t understand. The way his tale was told … his deep, profound love — or obsession — with Catherine and his so very dark nature kept me coming back to Wuthering Heights over and over again.

Maxim de Winter and Mr. Rochester both intrigue me. I guess I’m drawn to gothic, romantic tales and figures, complex and layered.

My friends at Barnes & Noble include detectives like Hercule Poirot, though I have to say Lady Darby & Sebastian Gage, Lady Julia & Brisbane and Veronica Stockwell & Stoker offer me many adventures. Jamie & Claire Fraser and their time-bridging love story is a notable repeat visit for me — eight books read and re-read so far at least twice each. I’ve been to Shannara and back and spent quality time with vampires and witches — the Cullen Family as well as Matthew Clairemont. And I’ve met Christian Grey as well.

Jay Gatsby will always hold a place in my heart. I revel in Secret and Forgotten gardens. And must admit that Mac, Barrons, the MacKelter clan along with their Fae friends have spent many hours by my side. I’ve had one-night stands with simpler tales that avoid a sequel (thank you!) and tell all in 300 pages. I’ve taken a spin on the Wheel of Time until I finally jumped off, dizzy from the turns.

I could go on and on about the friends I meet in the hallowed halls of Barnes & Noble. Kisses in the fiction aisle that I’ll never forget. Magic once known only at Hogwarts that has touched me deeply and taken me places I’d never anticipated.

“When I’m down and troubled, and I need some loving care … when nothing, nothing is going right,” I close my eyes and find myself there. Carole King’s words connect me with new friends and old … I’ve Got A Friend in the written word. They dry my tears, make me laugh, inviting me to encounter new adventures and dream new dreams.

Dr. Seuss perhaps phrased it best …. “Oh the places you’ll go.” Well, dear Barnes & Noble, dear friends on pages and of flesh, thank you for all the passion, joy, laughter, mystery, adventure, romance, tears and endearments we have shared together.

Stop by. Grab a friend to take to the beach … Barnes & Noble beats a singles bar! Within its walls, you can get fixed up with whoever and whatever you are looking for …

                                                                             — Jenni

 

Because It’s Wednesday

On By Jenni's CornerIn Musings3 Comments

Because it’s Wednesday, I’m wearing a new dress — something fun and flirty, something different.

Because it’s Wednesday, I put on lipstick — one of my favorite MAC shades, Rebel.

Because it’s Wednesday, I’m wearing gold liner on my top lashes and extra mascara.

Because it’s Wednesday, I’m going to meet my BFF for one Dance Mom’s Drink, wrapping up the Dance Year with our favorite bartender Jasmine. And, because it’s Wednesday, I will text another friend — just to say Hi and check in. Because that’s what friends do.

Because it’s Wednesday, I reject casual intimacy in favor of loving and experiencing unlimitedly — Because it’s Wednesday, I’m making up a word.

Because it’s Wednesday, I am wearing something sparkly and something lacey. And because it’s Wednesday, I’m not telling more 🙂

Because it’s Wednesday, I’m wearing Paris AND my Open Heart Angel — silver and gold on my neck — and assortment of Alex & Ani silver and gold on my wrists.

Because it’s Wednesday, I will forgive someone and look beyond perceived slights. I will be Kind.

Because it’s Wednesday, I’m wearing my Kindness MudLove Bracelet.

Because it’s Wednesday, I’m not going to worry about being thin. I’m going to eat that Red Velvet Cupcake with the White Chocolate Cream Cheese Frosting and enjoy every bite.

Because it’s Wednesday, I will write a letter or send a text to someone I care for. I will snuggle my cat and just enjoy hanging out with my family. I will sweep up the hair (my hair) on the bathroom floor, which I know irks my husband, and wash the dishes after dinner — my least favorite household task. I will give hugs and support. I will look beyond myself to the world around me. I will accept the things I cannot change and seek serenity.

And, because it’s Wednesday, I will go outside to my Patio Sanctuary later tonight when it gets dark, sitting under dancing fairy lights and counting my many blessings.

Tomorrow will be Thursday.

I don’t know what Thursday brings. Tuesday was pretty terrible. Monday had some icky moments too. But today is Wednesday, and I’m not waiting to wear a new dress or spend time with the people I care about. I’m not waiting to forgive or love or smile at a stranger — at someone who just may need my smile even though they don’t know me.

I don’t need to shop or seek outside myself to make Wednesday a stunning day. I don’t need to fall into regret or find problems. There comes a time in your life when you need to look past “drama” and surround yourself with joy — with people and adventures and moments that lift you up. There comes a time when you learn to let go of the things that drag you down and rejoice in the times and with the people who add color and laughter and revelry to dull and special moments alike.

Life is too short to wait for Friday at 5pm to find your Happy.

I glance around at the people who pull out their phones to check a text or message, missing the life before them. Because it’s Wednesday, I will be present.

Because it’s Wednesday, I’m going to do those things on my list that I procrastinate doing — the things I put off or create excuses not to do.

Because it’s Wednesday, I’m not going to waste time on regret or save something for later. I’m going to drink from a crystal Tiffany mug or a rose-shaped glass. I’m going to seize the day …

It’s Wednesday … what are you going to do today?

— Jenni

What’s Next?

On By Jenni's CornerIn Musings1 Comment

Did you know trees never stop growing? Though you can’t see them changing, it’s happening all the time. They grow taller … they grow wider … they require nourishment and care … they lose bark …

Trees are a lot like people.

The other evening, I sat across from a friend, beer in hand, and he asked me what I view as a very profound, serious question: “What’s next for Jenni Clark?”

See, I’m a goal oriented, organized, forward-looking person. I like to have hopes, projects, goals and direction — something I’m planning or aspiring to do or see or audition for or change or accomplish — in my sights. I’m a list maker who still carries a Franklin Planner. And, I like to see down the road. I’m the girl with the plan.

Sound familiar?

But, right now, I’m stymied. What IS next for Jenni Clark? Where am I going? What show will I audition for next season? What new project will I begin? What blog will I write? Where will this year’s vacation take me? Who in my circle will stick around and who will go? What needs to change and what should be left alone?

This question has been on my mind a lot at this time in my life, and it’s unsettling. I’m a relatively happy person, I’d say. I enjoy life — my life — and learning and growing. I’m authentic and genuine and comfortable in my own skin. I choose to see the good around me, selecting kindness and compassion over judgement and fault-finding. I opt for joy over arguments, and enjoy in-depth conversations and laughter over coffee, tea or a good beer and other fun beverages. I embrace life — and those I care for — with two hands and live richly.

I like to explore and discover, try new things and even get messy at times. I may look all girly but I’m wild, unpredictable and adventurous too. There’s so much I want to partake in … to experience. I’m a doer. I like to be busy. And I get restless. And, if people are like trees, then I’m a Sycamore Tree.

There was this tree in my grandparents town: Martinsville, Indiana. It was an enormous Sycamore Tree on a sidestreet near the downtown. Seriously, it was huge. The root system may not reach as far as China, but it must go deep. I was always fascinated by that tree. So strong. So solitary there in the square. So majestic and alive.

What’s notable about Sycamore Trees — and I’m pretty sure I repeat this to my kids every time I see one — is their bark. See, a Sycamore Tree has really thick bark. But, as it ages and grows, the bark falls off, leaving this mottled white/grey soft skin-like bark in its place.

It’s messy and imperfect … and it’s beautiful.

A Sycamore Tree keeps growing, keeps changing. It’s been thru stuff and sheds its bark. It’s like how humans rid themselves of things or people that we don’t need or that no longer serve us or have moved out of our life. Like a Sycamore Tree, we rid ourselves of “stuff” and shed the pain associated with it. Yet, even without that protective bark, the Sycamore Tree keeps growing. And its rich green leaves are beautiful, whether it has that thick bark or a mottled grey exterior — or even a few wrinkles (aka laugh/smile lines), a thicker waist and a couple super, super ash blonde hairs …

Just like us.

When you look at a Sycamore Tree, you can tell that it has lived a great life … and that no matter how old it might be — and you really can’t tell that anyway, it’s still growing.

So, What’s Next for Jenni Clark? I don’t know. Maybe it’s this … a little simpler, quieter time. Maybe it’s focusing on being a mom, hanging out with my kids or going out to hear a band with my husband. Maybe it’s reading a book in the sunshine or another Barre3 or yoga workout. Maybe hanging out with my cat — my fellow early riser who wakes me every morning — is cool for now. Maybe King Lear and Shakespeare Royal Oak with my son and Confirmation and Lindsey Stirling with my daughter are what’s right for this time. Maybe a new knitting project, time cleaning my house and a new playlist are what I need. Maybe dance-mom drinks at Cantina Diablo, an unexpected invitation to a play, and time comfortably spent with a girlfriend and her cats are what’s best. Maybe it’s not a calendar filled with rehearsals or things to go to/do but rather a spacious time to grow and experience something I don’t even see coming yet.

Trees never stop growing. And like that tree in Martinsville, I have lost some bark and been through some stuff. I’ve shed things that don’t serve me and nourished myself with people and moments that help me grow stronger. Like that tree, I’ve weathered storms and raised my arms on beautiful sunny days, reveling in the light.

I’m the Sycamore Tree that’s still growing. And whatever comes next, I’ll meet with my feet deep in the dirt — I’m messy like that. I like surprises. It’s okay not to see too far beyond the horizon — even for a Type A planner. I’m just going to stay present and await whatever adventure the “What’s Next” brings … or takes me on.

I’m not done yet, that’s for sure. I’m still growing, learning, and discovering.

What about you? If you were a tree, what kind would you be? Think about it …

                                                                                                          — Jenni

sycamore2

 

One Small Change

On By Jenni's CornerIn Musings7 Comments

My niece started visiting colleges this past week. Abby is a well-rounded high school junior with a high GPA from an excellent, challenging school system. An asset to any college lucky enough to get her (Yes, I’m completely unbiased!), she has an impressive and diverse list of extracurricular activities that includes music/choral performance in a tough music program and editor-in-chief of the high school’s award-winning yearbook. She’s just not sure of her career direction yet which makes determining the colleges to visit a bit more difficult. Her first visit included Vanderbilt … a college with Ivy League aspirations as well as a 9% acceptance rate, gorgeous campus in a much warmer climate, the potential for highly engaging, challenging classes and an annual tuition around 60K.

The college/university search process is not an easy one. My son went through this not so long ago.  The biggest difference between the cousins is that Jarod KNEW that he wanted to study film since he was 10 years old. His career goal had been defined, so he embarked on a more direct approach to identify the post-high school educational location that would best support his aspirations as well as the environment he could thrive in. Determining business and film was the goal, he made his choice. And he never looked back.

It’s interesting. The thought process and criteria that become important in selecting the university — or program — that takes you to the next level. And, as I listened to Abby describe her trip, I couldn’t help but think back to my own choice and wonder.

What IF I had chosen differently? What would that one small change have meant for my life today?

I think back to 17 year old me … I recall that girl very vividly. Prior to the summer of my college visits, I’d been pretty certain I would attend Indiana University and study theatre. I’d grown up visiting the campus. It was my parents’ Alma Mater. And, the theatre program was exceptional.

But the guidance counselor at the school where my mom taught suggested I consider some smaller schools. He thought maybe small town me might be better suited to a smaller campus.  That instead of getting lost in the crowd, a smaller school might help me stand out and experience opportunities a large school might not accommodate. And, at 17 despite my growing independence, I was influenced and curious about his suggestion.

I visited several campuses, including DePauw University — which I decided was too Greek too fast for me since I didn’t want to decide my friends and lifestyle before I knew anyone during the first week of school  — and Kalamazoo College — which I very, very quickly determined had too rigid a curriculum calendar for me. I visited Bradley and met two great friends while I was there. We hung out the whole time. My parents loved it but I left and didn’t look back … Can’t remember what turned me off there but I knew it wasn’t the right fit.

I visited Butler University. It was the top contender in my mind. Butler was just outside the up-and-coming city of Indianapolis. I’d visited Indy a lot, what with my grandparents living there. I’d been very interested in Butler’s programs … access to a big town would have been a bonus. But … it poured down rain during my visit and the campus seemed dated, drippy and tired. Bottom line, I didn’t find what I thought I would.

Next came Albion College. Albion reminded me of William & Mary in Williamsburg, a gorgeous old campus filled with history. Lots of old buildings, a beautiful quad, a Greek system that began second semester and did not require its members to live in the sorority houses, and a strong theatre program.

See, I’d wanted to study theatre … I’d auditioned for scholarships at the International Thespian Society and received several great offers, but none from any nearby universities. And I had just enough doubt to hold me back … to suggest I should choose a safer path where theatre was a sideline vs. a focus. And, Albion College offered accessibility to all the opportunities and programs I wanted — plus, it was far enough from my hometown to help me exert my independence.

lifeThere was something else, if I’m honest. Something that sticks in my mind. The final stop in our tour was the Methodist Church, located centrally on campus. Up in the front was a beautiful large wooden cross suspended from the ceiling … reminding me of one of my favorite hymns. The day I visited that campus was beautiful … the sky radiant and the temperature perfect. The stars seemed to align. And the rest, I guess, is pretty much history.

My education and experience at Albion College were excellent. I made wonderful friends. I performed in numerous theatre productions with leading roles. I joined a sorority and held an office every year. I worked as a tour guide and Residential Assistant. As an out-of-state student, Albion sort of pursued me. I received a great scholarship. And, I made the most of every moment, even though I didn’t get to every football game as I’d planned. I took an off-campus semester in Philadelphia. I truly thrived during my time there.

Albion gave me the college experience I wanted, despite the fact that it was located in a nothing town. Somehow — even before the Internet, Facebook, Twitter and Instagram — when the first Mac was only just released, I didn’t get bored. I was challenged, and I had fun. I graduated top of my class and made the most of everything I could.

Yet, I still wonder …

Albion was — still is — a liberal arts college. I had my eye on Communications and sort of stumbled into an English Major as well. I loved pretty much all of my Communications and English classes and the professors. But, when it came to finding that elusive career after graduation, I struggled. Career placement wasn’t Albion’s strongest feature at the time in the field I had chosen. Oh, I found my footing eventually, but it wasn’t easy.

I wonder …

If it hadn’t been raining, what might Butler and the thriving town of Indianapolis have offered me? What might I have discovered in those hallowed halls? Did I shut the door too quickly? Did I thwart destiny or make the wrong choice?

As I listen to Abby talk about Ball State — one of her other campus visits — and the fact that she didn’t think there would be enough to do there, and as I listed to Jarod tell me how he’s considering an apartment next semester since the dorm food and hours don’t always accommodate his schedule, I wonder … Is it different now? The college experience I wished for my son … that I hope for Abby, is it “out of date?”  What teenagers want and seek now seems so out of sync with what I wanted and what I found. I’m learning that “the college experience” is different for everyone — each of us seek something very personal. Each of us find something unique.

Albion had The Keller, where I studied and hung out with friends eating fries and chicken strips. Now it has a Taco Bell and fancy, updated buildings. It’s not the college I knew. It would not be the college I chose today …

So I wonder. What would that One Small Change have done? How would my life and its course have altered? Did I make a tactical error? Was the college experience I found the best I could have had? Did I give up on my dream too quickly?

My son is set to graduate in three years — he says he doesn’t need or want the fourth. Abby is focused on four years somewhere, followed by Grad School — doing what, she’s not yet sure but she’ll figure that out. Times and the selection criteria are different. But the discovery and growth that comes from “the college experience” are mind-blowing. They changed me … they shaped me. However you chose to live it, you leave different from how you arrive. I can see my son growing and changing … it’s fascinating, being on the other side and watching it happen.

How might I be different with four years at Butler?  One Small Change in my path. One giant shake-up in my now?

As I listen to Abby, I can’t help but wonder. So, if she asked me, I’d say … It’s a giant decision. Don’t base it on the weather. Base it on how a school might help you, guide you and support you as you shape your dreams and your future.  Explore … discover … take your time.

Most importantly, I’d ask her: What do YOU want from your post high school experience? Chase the school that offers that — whatever it is. It’s okay if you don’t know everything right now. You fall through a few rabbit holes on your way to Wonderland. But once there, dig in. Embrace what the college has to offer. This choice, the friendships and the experiences you have there will impact the rest of your life.

No pressure … It’s an exciting time. I’ll always be here to support you and promise to send you cookies. Good luck.

                                                                                                                       — Aunt Jenni

 

 

I Stand with the Students

On By Jenni's CornerIn Musings2 Comments

Today, for the first time — inspired by my daughter, I exercised my First Amendment right to peaceably assemble. #IStandWithTheStudents

Today, I gathered around the flagpole at my daughter’s middle school, with other parents and students, to take a stand against gun violence. As I stood there silently in the cold for 17 minutes and listened to students read the names of those who senselessly lost their lives in Parkland, Florida, I was moved to tears. And I am unashamed to state aloud that I would like my government to reconsider its stance on guns in this country.

My daughter was part of today’s protest. She is the one who mentioned it to me. But she was not outside with me as our school district did not support the idea of students leaving the school during the day. They want to keep our kids safe. And I respect their stance.

But, my daughter has a right to make a statement … to protest … to take a stand. Her voice is as important as any other in inspiring change. So, we found an option to keep her safe, to honor the school’s rules AND to give her a voice.

Students who wished to participate stood up quietly, left their classrooms peacefully, and were directed by staff in the hallways to gather together in the auditorium. They didn’t make a lot of noise. It was a reflective moment. They were reminded before they left their class that they were safe in their room. But they were not prevented from participating in this nationwide protest.

Oh, it wasn’t encouraged, promoted or even well known. The email from our superintendent was murky at best. But Paige felt strongly. So, I reached out to the principal for clarification and then offered her the option to assemble — if she so chose — while still respecting the school and its policies.

So Paige joined the protest and took a stand against gun violence without disrupting the school’s educational focus.  And I couldn’t be prouder of her.

Today her text to me was powerful — I like to think the Founding Fathers would nod their heads in approval.

text

Before today, I’ve never been part of an assembly like this. I’ve never done what my daughter chose to do. I’ve never gathered around a flagpole or taken this kind of stance. I’ve never marched in a protest. But today, I chose to stand against the violence in our schools — violence brought on by careless leniency in gun regulations and the too easy accessibility of assault weapons in this country.

I stand against gun violence. I have no issues with those of you who like their guns. Rifles for hunters or handguns for home protection are fine by me.

But when the 2nd Amendment was crafted, our Founding Fathers could not have anticipated the “arms” our country could create — or that these arms would be used in random acts of violence such as are happening in our schools.  Semi-automatic weapons — weapons that should be in the hands solely of our military — those do not need to find their way into the hands of troubled teens or dysfunctional adults. Something must change.

We said that after Columbine. And we say it again today.

Access to weapons of this magnitude — the ones killing our students — must stop. I don’t personally see how that could infringe on the rights of people to keep and bear arms. I don’t believe our Founding Fathers would have written this amendment to allow the types of weapons causing the problems in our country today.

Oh I know. Guns don’t kill people. People kill people. But, if access was better regulated and laws adhered to and respected, I still don’t believe the weapons in question belong in anyone’s hands but “a well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State.”

I know. I’m naive. I don’t grasp all the large scale issues surrounding this touchy subject. But, I know that something is wrong when 17 kids die at a school as a result of a 19-year-old with a grudge finding easy access to an assault-style weapon.

So, I Stand With The Students. Enough is enough. How long will it take? Perhaps the answer is around the flagpole or in the gathering place with our students. They’ve had enough.

Perhaps true change comes with their generation.

I can only hope …

                                                                   — Jenni